Category Archives: anxiety

Cancer, Life, Stuff, Perspective

The last month has been very trying.  My mother-in-law has been in the MICU, and a week ago we didn’t think she would make it.  We were called in to have “the talk” with the doctors.  It sucked bad.  I love mymother-in-law so much.  She’s like a second mom to me.  Thanks to God we have been seeing her make small improvements.  Not really in a celebration mood yet, but we are being cautious.  We hope and pray that she keeps getting better and is then able to go to rehab and come home.  She has/had (not sure yet) Multiple Myeloma.

I’m so tired of cancer.  I truly hope that the entire cancer support system is not a racket….but a lot of me thinks that it is.  I feel like if we had a cure for cancer thousands and thousands of people would be out of a job and many drug companies and hospitals would go out of business and for that reason a cure is being suppressed.  That would piss me off huge considering how many people die of cancer trying to “fix” it with chemo and radiation treatment.  All I can hope is that God gives my mother-in-law some more life to live and it’s a happy life up to the end.

After seeing what she has gone through, I hope that when it’s my time to go, I go quickly.  I would prefer to die in a car accident or from a heart attack or die in my sleep. I don’t want to be in a bed in an ICU for weeks and weeks.

Death comes and goes every day.  We don’t think about it until it walks close to us or someone we love.  It’s a big deal.  It just makes you realize that most days what you are “concerned” about or “need” to get done, is probably no big deal.  We need to slow down and spend time with our family and friends; people we love.  The other shit can wait.  Be happy with what you have.  Most of us have enough stuff….and should probably share with folks who don’t.

Edit:A month after I typed the post above my mother-in-law died.  So damn sad.  I miss her greatly.


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Filed under anxiety, Daily Grind, family, Jesus

The brevity of life

Life is very brief. We all seem to be flying through life and doing our own things. We all need to get into God’s word and realize what is coming. We need to spend time with those that we love. Don’t take for granted one single day that you get to see your grandma, or your wife smile at you. A hug from your daughter or son. Don’t be embarrassed or afraid or shy. If you love someone tell them that before you are gone, or before they are gone.

Material things don’t matter. Friendship, brotherhood, a relationship with God is what matters. The amount of time we spend on this spinning beautiful rock we call Earth is brief. The rate at which time goes by seems to increase by the year. It is truly incredible.

There may be a lot of horrible vile things going on in this world, but there are still good. I see love on a daily basis and I am thankful to God for that. I see selfless acts that make me happy enough to cry. I see selfish stuff and mean stuff and generally insane stuff too. The good has always outweighed the bad.

Live for God and for your family. Don’t get caught up in too many material things. We are a society of excess. Try not to participate in that. Help others when you can. Go with your gut instinct, even when you are afraid to. God has given us intuition and you can count on it 95% of the time.

Life is brief. Turn off the TV. Heck turn it off for a month. Go outside. Plant a tree with someone you love. Build something. Garden. Carve something out of wood. Go for a walk in the woods. Go for a drive. Read.

Get right with God.

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Filed under anxiety, Books, Daily Grind, family, Holidays, House Stuff, Jesus, Knife stuff, Outdoors, random

BP Oil Spill ROV Pictures and some opinion

For some reason I have become fascinated by the camera views that we can watch that are supposedly live from the Gulf of Mexico. I’ve watched many hours of this footage and it has caused me to do research on things I don’t know about when I see something. For Example, today I saw them lowering something that looked like a grid of cement and it had the word Submar on it. I looked up Submar and found out that they make Subsea mud mats. These mats weigh about 5 tons. If you’re interested in knowing what they are for and can do just go to .

I’ve also been on the website for Transocean and also Subsea 7 which operates the Skandi Neptune that is one of the ships that is controlling the ROV’s in the Gulf for this particular spill cleanup. I’ve also researched and watched many videos on the ship “Discoverer Enterprise” and all the technology it has.

I’m not in any way saying that because of all this BP is clear and free. No way. What I’m saying is that I’m torn. I don’t think that people realize how many people are working around the clock and how many ships, drilling rigs, supply ships, drilling ships, support ships, and people are working on this.

Yeah it’s fucked up. We can either bitch and moan about it or have a positive outlook and figure out ways we can help.

Our government wouldn’t have the slightest idea on how to stop this; especially at a depth of 5000 feet. The best people for fixing this are already on it. The only thing better I think they can do is have more people from all the other competing oil companies (like Shell, Exxon Mobil, Chevron, ConocoPhillips) helping BP to get this under control.

I’ve seen many pictures of dolphins, turtles, birds, and other animals/mammals all dead because of this spill. It’s horrible. I hate it. It makes me angry but it’s taken me a long time to realize that anger doesn’t usually get things done in a proper manner. It usually just makes more trouble. I’ve learned this the hard way throughout my life.

I do think it’s somewhat shady that sometimes BP will switch the feed to an ROV that is not anywhere close to where the real work is being done. I don’t like them hiding things.

The oil industry has technology and science that is second only to NASA and the Space program. That is amazing. Watching the technology being used and seeing them do what I have seen them do under 5000 feet of water is freakin’ unreal. Those ROV’s are badass and the folks operating them are doing a kick butt job.

Seeing the effort they are putting forth in the Gulf is Amazing and the Technology is Amazing. The damage that this ongoing leak is creating is tragic and astonishing to say the least.

I’m not saying BP kicks ass. They have kick ass technology however and I’m glad to see them using it. They just should of used it long ago.

I know BP has TONS of other live feeds that they are NOT showing us. I bet at a minimum they have about 12 live feeds coming from the Deepwater Horizon site. What we see on the dedicated ‘live’ feed I think is sometimes not live and it is what they want us to see. I think when they do certain work we are looking at some goofy BS on another ROV facing somewhere else. This can be seen in the very last picture below. I took this screen capture tonight. This is a picture of either a stationary camera or an ROV looking at a piece of the horizontal riser lying on the seafloor spewing oil. It’s not near the main well head where the BOP is at.

Below I’ve put together some pictures that I thought were neat because I had never seen an ROV come up from 5000 feet and be pulled up onto a ship. I’m betting by the name on the cameras that this ROV was pulled up onto the ship “Skandi Neptune”. I took these screen captures on Saturday May 29th.

Here you can see the ROV has already come up from 4990 feet and is at 1944 feet.

Next is an image showing the ROV at 985 feet and still coming up.

Here it is at 345 feet and still coming up. Not sure if that light is daylight or something else.

And now 193 feet…..

11 feet before surfacing.

This next shot shows right after it was brought out of the water and put on deck.

After this I could see a person walking around it and it looked like they were pressure washing the ROV.

After being washed off it was picked up by a crane and moved to a location on desk where the floor looked like what you see below. This was about 7:30PM Gulf of Mexico time.

This last ROV pic was at about 8:30pm Gulf of Mexico time and you can tell it was getting dark and they had lighting on deck.

Here’s the last pic of the horizontal riser as stated above in the beginning of this post.

Here’s the live feed for those of you that don’t know.

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Filed under anxiety, Daily Grind, Politics and World Events

Hospital with kid…

Right now I’m in the hospital with my little girl. Dehydrated and throwing up and has diarrhea. Things like this make you realize how fragile we all are and how thankful that I should be to have such a beautiful family. I’m blessed to have the health-care that I currently do.

I’m thankful to God daily for my family and little girl. Some days I am not thankful enough.

For those of you out there going through a similar situation where you have a sick kid in the hospital hooked up to an IV or something similar, give it to God. Give your worry to Him. He will help you. He has never let me down. I however never question “why me”, because I figure “why not me?” I’m just as available as someone else.

Life is not fair or easy. Do your best.

God Bless. Life’s short.

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Filed under anxiety, Daily Grind, Jesus


I’m tired of computers, the Internet, keyboards, input devices which I refuse to call mice, blogs, facebook.

I’m tired of people texting, people talking on the phone while driving.

Go outside. Do something. Leave your phone at home, turned off, in a drawer some where.

Unplug. Build something. Whittle. Read a book printed on real paper that you can hold.

Drive. Walk around many blocks. Go hiking.

See life.

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Filed under anxiety, Books, Computers, Daily Grind, family, Moron Drivers, Outdoors, random, rant, Village Idiots

Anxiety and weird feeling on the front of my neck

So over the past 3 to 5 days I’ve been having this weird feeling at the base of the front of my neck. It’s not so much pain as it is annoying. It’s really hard to describe. It’s almost as if someone is holding their hands around my neck yet doing it lightly. I can breath fine and I don’t have any shortness of breath. I have had anxiety and “worry” issues for years now. I take Zoloft regularly and I take Xanax on an “as needed” basis.

I’m the type of person that gets all worked up about something like this and thinks “oh no, there must be something wrong with my heart or maybe my carotid arteries are clogged or something. I tend to go a bit overboard with trying to “self diagnose”. The Internet is not a help these days it just makes it worse it seems.

I try to get a good cardio workout in at least 3 times a week where I walk fast on the treadmill and get my heart rate up to about 155bpm and keep it there for about 30 or 40 minutes. I did this on Monday and my neck/upper chest felt funny the entire time. No different than when I am not exercising.

In the past I have had blood work done, a stress test, Holter monitor etc, just because I’m anal about shit and want to make sure I’m “OK”. I had all this done about 3 years ago. The docs all said everything was just fine.

Right now I am 6’1″ tall and I weigh 280 lbs. I used to weigh 314 lbs. but I lost the weight and still need to lose more. I don’t smoke, I drink occasionally but usually it’s about 2-3 beers a week at most. If not beer it’s Chianti (wine).

If I am standing up and I bend forward 90 degrees like I am half way to touching my toes, I can feel the weird feeling in my neck get worse. It’s almost like pressure. If I didn’t know any better I would say that I had pressure on my carotid arteries or something. The feeling has been with me constantly today. Not pain…..just annoying kind of weird pressure. It feels kind of similar to feelings I have had in the past when I have had anxiety real bad or some sort of anxiety attack. However if I take Xanax usually I’m fine after a short while. In this case I take Xanax and it helps a bit but the feeling doesn’t go completely away.

I have no idea what it is. I did talk to my doctor today on the phone and she said that this could be anxiety induced and that if I’m not better by next week she would like to see me.

I really just wanted to share this in case anyone else has had something like this and knows what this is. I also figured this may help someone who is having the same feelings.


Filed under anxiety, Daily Grind, exercise